Monday, September 22, 2008
extract from welldonefillet,
Arriving just before last orders doesn't make for a great meal. Let me fill you in on what happens if you arrive just before closing.
Everyone hates you, from the waiters to the chefs to the kitchen porter. And we are calling you names, we are calling your dinner partner names. You are now Mr & Mrs Cuntish Mc Latey. If you can, you should check the booking sheet on the way out to see it written on it. It will have the time you arrived beside it and will be circled very heavily so that the person in the morning can laugh/share in the waiters pain.
The waiter wont make any effort to talk to you. You can make all the jokes and wise cracks you want they will fall on deaf and uninterested ears. You were late because yo were at the hospital visiting your sick grandmother? We don't care. Car broke down? We don't care. And don't even dare to remark about being the only people in the restaurant. This will just wind the waiter up more and that's not smart. The waiter right now is at Defcon 2 (out of 5) and you really don't want to push him over the edge.
Forget about enjoying a wonderful meal made with equal dashes of love and flavour. It ain't going to happen. If it can be zapped in a microwave it will be zapped in a microwave. And if it has to go on the char-grill it will have about 2 or 3 very heavy pans put on top to speed the cooking process. The chef had planned to be stoned, naked and playing X-box live with someone in Tulsa by now and you are delaying this.
If you are in any way smart or intuitive you will have picked up on the negative waves (Moriarity-name the film). So when the waiter asks you if everything is okay, you should swallow whatever is on your fork and say "Yes". By now the chefs have gone and everything in the kitchen is switched off save for the dishwasher and the radio. The kitchen porter is still there so if you need something changed or decide you want another portion of vegetables that's who is going to do it. He doesn't wash himself, he doesn't really know what he is doing and mopping the floor is his greatest skill. So think wisely before you open your mouth.
When the waiter comes to clear your plate, which he will do the moment you put the last bit of food in your mouth, he will ask you if you enjoyed your meal. You can say anything you want it doesn't matter as he doesn't care. You could reply be reciting the opening lines from "THE HOBBIT" and the waiter will still say "Great, you want anything else?" If the next words out of your mouth aren't "Check please" then you have just pushed the Defcon 1 button and opened the secret door to waiter hell. Well done you.
Defcon 1 is when the waiter doesn't care about getting sacked. He has just given up and is planing his next career move. As you sit there imagining your hot chocolate cake and double espresso listen out for things getting kicked and smashed and lots of swearing. That's your waiter throwing a massive tantrum. You want some pudding? No problem the chefs have all gone so the waiter has to do it. Your chocolate cake will reach a temperature not thought possible outside of a nuclear facility. Your coffee will be made from the scrapings from the inside of the bin. They will almost literally be dropped on your table with the bill at the same time.
And if you think by not tipping that you will have got your own back on the waiter think again. He just wants you to leave. You were the table that held him back from a lovely cup of tea.
So the moral of the story is threefold, don't arrive 15 minutes before closing, don't out stay your welcome, and if you do arrive for a late meal ask what the quickest thing to make is and get the check as soon as you are done.
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same situation, but all those shit above didn't happen. okay, maybe a lil cursing at the back. we still have to serve and be professional, afterall, we're dependent on them, they're not dependent on us.. in a way. If we don’t take care of our guests, someone else will.
